Is Sex Before Marriage Okay?

If one is reading this with the expectation that this post will condemn others for “sleeping around,” the reader may be disappointed or surprised. Likewise, if one is reading this with the expectation that this post will condone this sleeping around behavior or give them the “okay,” they may be disappointed as well. I hope to present a viewpoint that is both biblical and responsible as we wrestle with this question: Is sex before marriage okay? I humbly ask that you go on this journey with me.

Let’s begin.

There is no doubting that the bible is clear about sexual immorality:

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. -Hebrews 13:4

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Galatians 5:19-21

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

The Bible is clear that sexual immorality is a sin. There is no debate here.

But does this necessarily answer our question?

Over the last few decades (especially within the Evangelical Conservative Purity Culture), it has been taught that sex before marriage is terrible. In this culture, those who have sex before marriage is often considered to be “damaged goods” or “ruined” (mainly taught to young women). Ironically, it is also taught in these lessons that sex after marriage is this glorious spectacular event that is supremely orchestrated by God. Of course, this is not every evangelical church, but enough that this is considered common knowledge—particularly among millennials.

One might wonder: how is sex – a thing that is supposed to be good and amazing – be inherently bad in one instance, but also good if “done in the right context?” It is this type of teaching that has potentially plagued the church in this area for the last several decades.

Let us consider an alternative view.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. Matthew 22:36-40

For the last few decades, the Church has been treating the symptom and not the problem. This has never been about sex. This has always been about selfishness.

First things first, I find it interesting that Jesus gave a bonus answer to the question that was asked. Secondly, Jesus made it plain and simple so that each of us can remember this and choose to follow Him.

Love God first.

Secondly, love each other as we would love ourselves.

In other words, do not be selfish. Do not think only about yourself to the point that you are not considering the other’s well-being. This is where the conversation of sex before marriage becomes relevant.

Sex is not a bad thing. Sex is a gift from God. Sex is good.

However, selfishness is bad. Selfishness is a sin (the second greatest sin).

Some can get caught up in what constitutes as sex. Is it just sexual intercourse? Does oral sex count? What about manual stimulation, etc.? Regardless, there is evidence that any involvement of sexual relations is a physical, emotional, mental, and most importantly, spiritual experience. When you agree to share that intimacy with someone else, but yet you do not love them to the point where you would lay down your life for them in the same way that Christ laid down His life for the Church (in that He gave His life for people who didn’t deserve it), then you have committed a great sin. A sin that has nothing to do with the sex, but everything to do with the selfishness.

Let’s expand on what it means to be selfish in this context. When a person (through their actions) sends a message of commitment and unconditional love even though they have no intentions of loving that person or bearing a life-long commitment, that is selfish. When a person just wants to have sex so they can have pleasure for themselves (and not the other person), that is selfish. When a person only views the other partner as a sexual object to fulfill their own “needs,” that is selfish. When a person does not consider the possible (and likely) outcomes from sex because they can only think about what they want “in the moment,” that is selfish. If a person is willing to make sexual advances before having an informed and honest conversation with their partner, that is selfish.

Selfishness does not only apply to sexual intercourse. When a person decides to do one thing with their body that communicates a certain message – but deep down they know they do not believe in that message – that is selfish. Do not be selfish. Selfishness is the sin, not sex.

It should not go unnoticed that Jesus added a second (unsolicited) answer to the question the Pharisees posed. Sometimes the Church can spend so much time ranking sins over the other, that it misses the point (e.g. it’s probably in your best interest not to lie to one other - versus - if you have sex, you are a terrible person and used garbage).

Love God.

Do not be selfish.

Overall, the Church needs to do a better job teaching Christians to be less selfish. Our young teens need this more than ever. I believe if we put an emphasis on being selfless (and viewing selfishness as a dangerous sin), not only do I think teens and young adults will respond differently when it comes to sex before marriage, but it will impact other areas of our lives and inform other “hot topic” discussions. When we become aware of our selfishness, we allow the Holy Spirit to convict us on the deepest of levels.

Of course, this approach gives way to a grey area. Some may say “Well, I love my girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé to the point where I would give my life for them. Therefore, it is okay for us to have sex outside of marriage.” Is it okay to be selfish? This is the question that we should consider. These two ideas are not always mutually exclusive. However, before we decide to rip each other’s clothes off because we “deeply love each other and there is no way we could be selfish”, we should strongly consider the price that we are willing to pay before making this decision (a mutual decision). Are you ready to enter a commitment in which you would die daily to save and protect your loved one (#marriage)? If not, sex is not for you. Not because sex is bad, but because selfishness is.

I would like to be clear on what I am not saying. I am not saying that we should idolize virginity. I am not saying that if you have sex (and it is done in a selfish manor) that you are a bad person or that you are damaged goods. Jesus’ blood has the power to wash away any sins—that’s the Gospel.

What I am saying is selfishness is a sin, and if we want to truly follow Christ, we need to repent—this is the meaning of being a Christian.

So, is it okay to have sex before marriage? The real question should be: Is it okay to be selfish? The answer is no.

As with all my blogs, this is solely my opinion. I do not want to pretend to have the absolute “right answer.” I am speaking to myself as much as I am speaking to others. It is okay to disagree with me, and I welcome discourse. My only request is that every word of each blog is weighed heavily and considered before agreeing or disagreeing with the points presented in each entry. Please keep in mind that I am a Christian, so my beliefs and opinions will be influenced by my faith. I will upload blogs every Friday. If you would like to suggest a topic for me to cover, you can do so via Facebook or twitter. You can follow me on twitter @mjeromebell #themiddlegroundblog

#blog #sex #sexinmarriage #selfishness